Words and Time

This is a post I'm not sure will ever be published to the blog...  I am sitting on the couch at 3:30 in the morning just hours before we head to North Dakota to celebrate my dad's life.  How do I put into words what I am feeling?  I know that I am not the first person to lose their father, nor will I be the last.  I have so many emotions running through me of which includes sadness, joy, fear, anxiety, calmness... It is amazing the strength of emotions and the conflictions.  How can I be exhausted and unable to sleep?  How can I be sad at one moment? and joyful the next? 

I am sad for our loss.  I am sad for the Thanksgiving without my dad.  I am sad for the Christmas' without him... I am sad he will not see his grandchildren graduate high school.  I am happy that I had 35 years with my dad.  I am happy that I got to see him belly laugh at stupid comedies on tv.  I am happy to have seen him survive cancer, a stroke, and open-heart surgery.  I am glad for the work ethic he instilled into me (which I don't think he realized).  I am glad for all the friends and family I have to support us through this time.  There are so many more things I could put on this list... and I will.  As the next few days pass by, I pray that I have the strength to support my mom, brother, and family in a way that they support me. 

I am fearful for the 'unknown'.  I worry for my mom.  She is a great lady.  My parents are a wonderful example of what a marriage should be: respectful, loving, hard-working, sincere.  I have learned many things from watching them.  Even at 35 years old, I learn from them.  I worry that I can't be there to hug my mom when she needs it.  I worry if she'll take care of herself. 

I feel calmed by knowing Dad is in Heaven without pain or fear or sadness.  I feel calmed by the outpouring of sympathies from friends near and far and friends old and new.

Dad holding Elaina ... trying to comfort her when she was sick (Feb 2012)

Dad with Abi... with a grandchild on his lap, in front of the tv... two of his favorite things

Dad with Elaina, still trying to comfort her.  Dad always was the 'go to' guy when we were sick...

My Mom and Dad made this rocking horse for the girls... a Christmas tradition to have a picture with it every year.

**I found this draft from November... So much still applies, and so much more added.**